When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
