i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
