Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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