I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
