So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
