i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
