Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
