I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
