So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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