Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
