if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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