the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
