yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
