If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
