So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
