how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
