no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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