Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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