Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
