Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
