God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
