my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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