You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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