Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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