She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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