if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
