We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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