your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
