What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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