I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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