Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
