After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
