as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
