I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
