Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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