He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
then he tried to convert me to islam
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
