I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
