On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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