so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
