Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
