I wannas sexs uuuuu
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think your dad took our porno
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
