Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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