I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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