Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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