I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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