I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
