you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
