I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
