Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
