my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Be still, my beating vagina.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
